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Category Archives: pain of being a mom

There is no way to put into words the pain of realizing that you cannot protect the child you have nutured and loved. You can no longer provide that sanctuary of security that kept her safe for so many years. She is on her own now, and claims to know so much more than we do.  She is so wise, yet so naive. Suddenly at almost 19, there is nothing she cannot do, and she reminds us of it constantly. (We have become so amazingly unintelligent, that it’s a wonder we can find our way home.) 

She takes risks and puts herself in situations that defy reason and logic. (But of course, reason and logic are not part of a teenager’s vocabulary.)

She has heard our warnings so many times, that she can play the violin smoothly through all of them. (We are so out of touch and misguided.)

She cannot know the fear of getting a phone call in the middle of the night that will change your world forever. Nor can she know what it is to sit up in bed suddenly and just feel that something is terribly wrong. All mothers are psychics to a degree, and uneasy prophets. We try to dismiss that ethereal grip of unspoken knowing… just knowing.

We cry from disappointment, we cry from fear, and we cry from longing for days gone by. To once again be able to pull up the covers, and snuggle like teddy bears, and know that all is right with the world, at least for a moment.

I have faced the monsters that hide under the bed, and the ghosts that linger in the corner. And I was brave and courageous, because this was my child they were terrorizing. But they were not half as scary as the demons she fights now-friends who are evil, and a world that wants to rob her of her innocence. If only I could chase those monsters as easily.

So I have to watch helplessly, as she falls into the abyss of darkness and compromise. I scream as she nears the edge, but she cannot hear me anymore. She has gotten too far from my reach, or even the sound of my voice. And I can hear the echos of childhood, as she falls deeper and deeper.

There is no pain like a mother’s pain. No love as pure, or sorrow as deep. My baby girl, where have you gone and why did you have to leave?…