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After inquiring about the care my brother intended to get for my mom, after removing her from assisted living, he sent an evil email, full of hatred. (See Part 1) This was my response:

Tony: WHO has flipped out? All I asked is if
you had a plan to care for her? Do you? You know
very well what that means. You were told by the
nursing home social worker and staff, that 24 hour
(around the clock) care was needed, if she went
home.We were given three choices--full time nursing
home care, 24 hour care at home, or assisted living.
We didn't have any other choices.  Betty told Rob
that you did not plan to have any care at home for
her. If that is true, that is negligence, in her
physical and mental condition. 

Of course I would love for things to be the way
they were, and that she could be home.  We all
would. But they are NOT the way they were, and
she cannot be left alone, and should not be giving
herself Oxycontin and insulin. Those are just the
facts that can't be changed. Grow up--things are
not always the way we want them to be. Do you want
her to get badly hurt again? It is not just MY idea
that she not be left alone, but people who deal
with this all the time. That is why THEY suggested
assisted living--because she needed it. (Though
I am in complete agreement with them, because I
have been around to see and hear the dementia. You
haven't.) So my question is only-- what care do
you plan to get for her? I'm asking because Betty
told Rob that you were not going to have anyone
come in and stay with her, while you were at work. 

As to Sam loving me, there has NEVER been any
doubt. I have always known that, and never
questioned it. I don't know WHAT you were
referencing. And just for the record, he was my
dad too, and you can never take that away from
me. I loved him dearly, and never doubted his
love for me. 

As to your getting a job close to Betty, how
much did it take out of you, to eat her food
everyday and read the paper? Don't make me laugh!
You have NO idea what taking care of her has
really meant, because you have NEVER done it. Plain
and simple. You only bought the groceries, and
then ate them! You can question my care of her
all you want, but I was there, and did the very
best I could, with NO help from you. I would
probably have done it forever, but I could no
longer take her emotional abuse. 

It is pointless to argue with you, and I will
not lower myself to the name calling that you
obviously enjoy. I'm glad you liked my blogs. I
assumed that you might be reading them, as
Jessica had the address, and so that is no shock
to me. I mean every word of them. Strange how no
one else thinks I'm crazy, to have endured what I
have (with both of you.) You cannot possibly
judge Betty's treatment of me, as you weren't
there, when she emotionally abused me...again
and again. You were always the Golden Boy,
who could do no wrong. 

You will need to check with Rob about any
paperwork you need. He has all of it, and
I have never been in possession of anything, since
the day Betty and I ended our relationship. How
many times do I have to tell both of you
this? Call Rob. He has been trying to get the
bills in order to turn over to you immediately.
(Yes, I'm sure you DO want her checkbook. You
always have.) I asked him to revoke the POA
that we only had a few weeks, so if you will
talk with him, he can give you all the necessary
paperwork you desire. I don't have it!!!! 

Nothing you can say can hurt me anymore.
I was there when you weren't, and to
say anything different is a complete
lie. I have NEVER been away from her
at any time in my life, (other than
when I still lived in Atlanta.) So
I don't know WHAT you are referring
to.(And you call Me crazy????) Where were
YOU for so many years? 

YOU are the jealous one, as is apparent by every
word you wrote. I took care of her, and nearly
killed myself doing it, and I have NO REGRETS.
You are not my judge, and yes, I do call myself
a Christian. God does not require anyone to take
what I've taken from her. 

It is so very clear that you resent the things
that I bought Betty, and even that I took her
to eat, per your disgusting rant. How sick is
THAT? She always enjoyed the time we spent
together, and you can never take that away
from us. As to only buying her "pretties",
I have cleaned up after her incontinence many
times (in my car and in restaurants), and done
other things that are not pleasant.  I have spent
hours and hours with her in the ER. Where were you?
Believe me, it was no picnic. But I did it
because I loved her. You are eaten up with
jealously, and why I don't know, because I have
never said or done anything that would warrant
your hatred. (You were the one who called me
with your bottom on your shoulder, when I simply
asked if Betty had a charger for her phone at
the NH, and if not, I would pick one up for her,
if you would let me know what kind.) (It is
becoming apparent that you don't like
questions of any kind.) 

You do what you have to do to get your
inheritance, but I will say calmly again,
if you do ANYTHING to put her in danger,
(by not getting the proper caregivers
for her, when you aren't there) I will
have you investigated. I hope you can live
with yourself, if you let harm come to her.
I had her in a safe place, that could take
care of her needs. No, I did not have her
buried--I was just telling you that the hurt is
so deep, that when she does die, I will not be at
her funeral. That is my choice, and she
knows why. I could not take anymore of
her cruelty. 

As to your care of her, you know what they have
told you to do, and if you love her as you say,
then you will see that someone is with her, and
supervising her medications. 

As to accusing me of being the reason she fell,
even Betty doesn't feel that way, and that is about
as low as you can go. YOU are sick! REALLY SICK!!!
I was holding her hand as tightly as I could. She
would NOT use her walker that day, though I had it
in the car, as always. I even asked her several
times to use it. So I could only do the best I
could to support her. Her foot turned, and she
fell. (You could not have prevented it either,
but that remark tells me all I want to know
about what kind of person you are. That was
just vicious!!!) NO ONE is to blame for her
fall. NO ONE. (Those are Betty's words as
well.) To say that I am responsible,shows YOUR
vile character. That is just plain EVIL talking.
At least I took her places. You took her nowhere!!!
I have to laugh at you, saying it's all because
of my inability to safely take her places.
She would NOT use a walker, and after her
fall, I told her that I would not take her
anywhere again, without using the transport
wheelchair. I did the very best I could to
protect her at all times, and I am proud of the
care that I took of her. You are just totally evil
to say that I am responsible. Talk about CRAZY!!!! 

As to your remark about Rob taking care of me,
and you don't know how he did it. He did it because
he loves me, and I love him. I'm still married,
and very much in love. Where are all your wives,
if YOU'RE so wonderful? You are tragic. It
just shows me how deeply your hatred of me goes. 

As to not calling her mom, she apparently didn't
want me to. No one ever told me to call her "mama"
(her included.) A mother doesn't have any trouble
having a child call her "mama" if that is what she
desires. I also think it is very strange that she
didn't have me call her mom, from a little child.
But again, you weren't even born, so what business
is that of yours? Betty always told me that it was
because everyone around me at my grandparent's
house called her Betty, and that it was no
sign of disrespect.I don't know WHY she
didn't have me call her mama. ASK HER. 

Well, I will certainly not miss
your presence in my life. It has been
delightful.(NOT.) 

Do not attempt to contact me again, and I will
gladly do the same. I felt that I could not just
let you take her home, with no care (as she
told Rob) without asking you to comply with what
they told you to do. But you always have a better
idea. If you do plan to get care for her, perhaps
you should let her know. 

Take care, Tony.
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10 Comments

  1. I wish I could say that I never heard of anything like the emails and conversations that you related, but, unfortunately, I have.

    This kind of thing happens, either before they are gone or afterwards. It is something that is painful, as well as, common.

    It sounds like his true colors are displayed and he is in for a very rude awakening when she does all of the things that you know will happen should she not receive the proper care and supervision.

    I am truly sorry, Lonette. But, you have done enough. In a sick kind of twisted way, your mother has set this up and your brother is willing to be the pawn, so let him.

    It won’t take long before she is back in the hospital or gone. Sad to say, but that is the likely outcome of this scenario.

    Sometimes you have to let it be and know inside of yourself, you did the best that the parent allowed you to do…

    Sorry about this kind of heartache…it is the “gift” that “keeps on giving”.

    As Roads says, “Spirits up”. Let God handle it.

  2. Hi Sparkle. I hope all of this isn’t getting you down. I know it’s hard. Email me if you would like to discuss this privately.

  3. Dustygirl: Thanks so much! I’ll write you! I appreciate your concern and kindness. Sparkle

  4. Shadowlands: I never thought he could be cruel enough to blame me for her initial falls, just because I tried to take her out places. (And she WOULD NOT use her walker.) But that DID show me how evil he really is! He has a deep resentment because I am married to an attorney, and by his standards have money. Believe me, we do not live extravagantly in any way. But jealousy is a crazy thing. He presently owes us money as well (quite a bit), that he will never pay back. We were kind enough to fall for his “sad story” once too often. I was anyway. I am the one who talked my husband into lending it, because I thought he might pay it back this time.
    I have always loved him, but he has always been resentful towards me, and there is nothing more I can do. He is out of my life forever!
    Thank you for “getting” just how deep this hurt runs. Sounds like you may have been through something similar.
    You are right–it is time to walk into the light, and out of this miserable darkness that they live in. They deserve each other! Many Hugs-Sparkle

  5. Shadowland is right. Sparkle, you can’t fix these people. They are creating their own dysfunction and insanity. They can’t be reasoned with. You can never reason with or win with people like these. Leave them to their own destruction, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You’ve tried and done your absolute best.

  6. Another thought…I think your mother is taking “martyrdom” to a whole new level.

  7. Wow…
    It was kind of sad to read the posts between brother and sister and know that this is the kind of relationship your mother apparently supported and helped build between the two of you. Sad really. There is so much hurt, pain and anger in your writing Sparkle…
    I have to share this with you. The day after Thanksgiving, I found out my father had a mass in his lung. It doesn’t look good and we’ll be getting the scans and staging soon. I have to tell you that prior to getting this information, I had been annoyed and aggravated with him. I would get annoyed if I had to pick him up to take him somewhere and since knowing what may be, I have been appreciating every time I have the opportunity to go pick him up and spend time with him…it really opens your eyes. I also know now why God sent him back here in August – to be close to me. Originally, I thought it was to help me with my daughter. Now, I know differently. It was so that I could care for him. I could think, “Why me?” But instead I am saying, “Why not me?” And I am up for the challenge as challenging as this road may become.
    Life is too short…you do not have to put up with your mother’s abuse. You can only do so much to protect her in this situation. You do not need to explain yourself to your brother – – no need. You and your loved ones and God know what you have done. You do not need to explain to your brother. He will find out in good time what mistakes he is making…

    Hugs to you,

  8. Adopted Child: It IS sad, and the strange thing is that I never knew he resented me so much! Basically I’ve never even been around him. We had very diffferent lifestyles. He was gone for several years, until he moved back home awhile before my step-dad died. He was always at our Christmas gatherings, and I thought everything was just fine. Never really saw him much. But apparently this resentment has gone on for a LONG time. You cannot possibly know how being attacked like that hurt me. But it was planned to do just that. I am ready for a new day–a new life.

    I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I also felt that way about my mom, for so long. I wanted to be near her, and help her as much as I possibly could (in spite of her hurtful ways.) I am glad that you will have the opportunity to be there for your dad. You are blessed. I wish it could have gone that way for me, but I couldn’t take anymore. There comes a time when your body and mind cannot be up for anymore “challenges.” I am very sick myself, and couldn’t have cared for her (in her condition now) in my home, even if I was well. Everyone has to decide for themselves, given their own health and physical abilities, what they are capable of. I am the one who has to make that decision, and even the professionals are telling me that she should be (at a minimum) in assisted living. Particularly if she won’t cooperate with her medical instructions. It makes everyone’s life hell, when she keeps falling, because she REFUSES to use her walker.
    You are right, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, because before God, I have NO REGRETS. I did all that I possibly could, and then some. I am exhausted, sick, and terribly hurt. Even in the best case scenario, I know that I could NOT keep on the way that I was going. I was killing myself, and the stress of the fallout has been almost unbearable. Now I know that I have done all that I could to protect her. I was even willing to face his cruelty and wrath to try to protect her one last time. Now I have no desire to see either of them ever again. Sparkle

  9. Dustygirl: Thanks for your support. Wow-I just found this on a narcissism site is this is EXACTLY what’s happening with me!

    She favoritizes. Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself.

  10. What site did you find that on? It sounds familiar. Yes, it’s all classic textbook behavior. My brother (5 years older) would tease me mercilessly every day for hours on end calling me ugly, stupid and retarded, nit-picking, criticizing and making fun of everything I did. My mother would be RIGHT there while this was going on and never did anything about it. If I cried or complained, I’d get yelled at. Passive abuse.

    The scapegoat child exists ONLY in the capacity to do for others, serve others and make others happy. Otherwise, they’re a non-entity. When they step out of this role and “make noises” all hell breaks loose. This is what you’re seeing with your brother and mother at this point.

    I’m not sure if I will be posting on the message board at this point in time. I’ll catch up with you here or via email.


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