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One of the last things that I could do to protect my mother, was to ask that my brother comply with the instructions given us, when she was leaving the nursing home, after a broken right foot, broken left leg, and broken right hip, as well as moderate dementia. We were told that if she went home, she would need 24 hour (around the clock) care. She chose assisted living, but changed her mind, and now my brother has decided to take her home (knowing the dangers and risks.)

When my husband was visiting her (with requested money and paperwork) last week, she told him that they did not plan to have any in-home care for her, and that she could give herself her insulin and medications.

This concerned me greatly, because her dementia is such that it would be very dangerous (if not deadly and insane) to let her do so. I wrote him an email, and inquired if he planned on getting any in-home care. He wrote back with the most evil name-calling letter, and then ignored my question entirely.  But it is interesting to read his email, and since everything else on this journey is here, I will include my email to him, his to me, and my response. Who knew my journey of trying to take the best care I could of my elderly, widowed mom, would end like this? I guess, as they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

You might want to get a cup of coffee, as this will be long. (I’ll write it in two parts.) But I think it will reveal a lot about what I have endured in this family. (Insane jealousy coming from my brother for no reason, and emotional abuse from my mother.) Nothing says it like his own vile words. So first my email:

Tony: I want to document my concern in writing,
about Betty's care. When Rob visited with her
last week, she stated that you did not plan to
get her any in-home care, when you took her
home from the assisted living. As you know, we
have repeatedly been told that she could NOT
return home without 24 hour around the clock
care. If you decide to do this, you will be
going against all medical and nursing home
staff advice. (I intend to let her doctor and
diabetes nurse practitioner know as well.)
I assumed, until she informed Rob otherwise,
that you would be following the care plan that
was given to us, by the nursing home social worker
and staff. 

While we may be estranged, I still love her and
care for her deeply. I want her to be safe, above
all else. As you know, she has developed moderate
dementia, since her hip surgery. She has seen
everything from babies on her shelf in the nursing
home room, to rats and blue cats in the assisted
living apartment. She thinks that one of the nurses
took her to spend the night at her house, and that
voices were coming out of the outlets, in her
nursing home room. She also stuck her wheelchair
foot pedal in the air conditioner, in her
nursing home room. I was called on one occasion
to come to the nursing home to "reorient" her as
to time and place. I have documented EVERY episode
of her hallucinations and confusion, that I have
been made aware of. 

I would like to know what you plan to do to
care for her, when you are not there (at work
OR otherwise.) We were told that a teenager would
not meet the requirements for her care. It is NOT
safe for her to be alone, or to try and give
herself Oxycontin, OR her insulin shots, in
her present state of mind. (Surely you realize
that.) Even before she broke her foot, leg, and
hip, I witnessed her giving herself her insulin
shots on occasion, without first taking her blood
sugar. This could be deadly, because she was
instructed then, that if her blood sugar was 100
or less, she was not to give herself her insulin.
If she does, her blood sugar will drop quickly,
and she could go into a coma (or die.) (Not to
mention any injuries that could result from a fall.)
Also, if she has access to the Oxycontin, she
could forget that she has already given herself
a dose, and then take it again. She is on an
extremely high dose of Oxycontin already twice
a day, and just one or two pills extra, and
she could stop breathing or die. She could easily
do this without meaning to, given her dementia.
She is a far different person now, than when she
lived at home before. 

Also, she takes numerous other drugs, and it
is not wise for her to administer those to
herself either. 

As to her physical safety, she has fallen
out the front door before, and was also found
in the street (where she fell, trying to get
the mail) by a neighbor, who had to pick her up.
Both of these occurrences were BEFORE her
injuries (right broken foot, left broken leg, and
right broken hip) and dementia. She has fallen off
her bed (at home) several times, and has fallen
in the house as well. 

She is frequently incontinent, and also was
supposed to have assistance getting in and
out of the shower. This was all per written
instructions (given by Dr. Holt's nurse
practitioner) to the assisted living facility.
She was also told by her diabetes nurse
practitioner that she needed to eat three
meals regularly (and on schedule), in order for
the staff to properly administer the insulin
that she required. She was to be checked on every
2 hours there, and would be provided with
housekeeping, meals, shower assistance, and
supervision of her medicines. It was ideal,
but apparently you decided that you knew better
than everyone else. So now you have a
responsibility, if you are going to take her home,
to provide her with the care that was prescribed
for her. You cannot just ignore her care needs. 

With your combined incomes, there ARE finances
to get her the in-home care that she needs,
and if you want to argue that there aren't,
why are you taking her out of the safe and
beautiful assisted living apartment? We were ALL
in agreement about it. In fact, given the choices
she had, it was HER choice. She did not want to
live with you and Brandon again, as she knew that
the cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. would be
overwhelming in her present condition. She also
said that  she did not want someone watching her
all day and night. For that reason, assisted
living afforded her the best care, a good deal
of privacy still, and supervision with her
medications. It was clearly the best choice.
She even loved the food! We were working on
trying to get Veteran's Assistance for her as
well, which would have helped considerably with
the cost. 

Tony, that is where she needed to be, and there
is no way that you can deny that.  EVERYONE has
told you that-because of her dementia, her
physical health care problems, and her need for
constant supervision with her dangerous
medications. If you choose to take her home,
without the 24 hour care that she needs,
you are NOT thinking of Betty's best interests. 

If you do intend to get her care, could you
please let us know what your plan is? Because
we WILL be observing, and we will report you
if you place her in any danger. She needs to be
protected, and you said before, that IF you
took her home, you would provide the around
the clock care we were told she must have.
Nothing has changed concerning those requirements. 

I became very concerned, when she told Rob that you
did not plan to get any in-home care. That
is insane, and I think you know it, given her
present physical and mental condition. 

Please let me know what your proposed care plan
is for Betty, at your earliest convenience. 

Sincerely, Lonnette

Now, his caring response (never answering my
question about her care, just name calling):
(It is true that his son did not live with my
mother, Tony and his ex-wife did. He later got
custody of his son. But Tony has lived off my mom
a lot in the past, and the house was always left
a mess. She did everything, he did nothing.)

Re: Betty's Care (harsh but true)

You must really think I am an idiot. I was
never given a care plan. You took it upon
yourself to practically have her buried.
Does she not have some of the best health care
insurance that can be had? Combined with Medicare,
will it not provide assistance in her at home care?
Don't you want her to be at home? Her home? And
what do you care? You have flipped out. You claim
to be a christian. To say you would not go to her
funeral is just unbelievable. She has not done
anything wrong. You are not stable. You said
some terrible things. That crap about "primary
care giver"??????? Your blogs are funny! Bless your
heart. Three and a half long years of once in
a while. You might have taken her to her doctor
appointments, this I am very grateful for, but
you do have the "resources". I am the one that
got a job two blocks from her house so I could
be there every day.
(My entry: Yes, for him to eat lunch every
day, boy that was really difficult!!!!)

You are spoiled. Rob is an awesome man for taking
care of you all these years. I don't know how he
has done it . He must be afraid of the Gold
Mine/Shaft syndrome! And as for myself and
Brandon living with her, what does again mean?
We have never.(My entry: You're right, you made
those messes on your own! My apologies to
Brandon.)

You are really good at treating her like
a baby doll, buying her pretties and taking
her to eat.(which reminds me, this all started
with your inability to safely take her places!)
(Come to think about it, when you couldn't
treat me like a baby doll, you didn't like me
any more either!) But when it comes to physical
care, you can't even think of it. I do not
want her to die in a home that is not hers.
You go ahead and monitor. You go ahead and
report me for whatever. I want to try to take
care of our mother.(You have not even ever
called her "Mom". Who calls their mother by
their first name?) (My entry: Great
question---why don't
you ask HER why she never had me call
her mom? My guess is because she didn't want
to be one.)
My father loved you dearly and if you do not
believe it you are sadly mistaken. You didn't
even come back in to the family presence until
Pops got ill and died. (My entry: Now this shows
that he is completely crazy, because I have
always visited my mom and dad faithfully,
and I do have people that can testify to that, so
this is the biggest lie of all. He was either on
drugs, selling them, or out of town for years.)
Where was he? Nowhere to be found. I visited my
mom and step-dad very often, from the time I moved
here from Atlanta, many, many years ago. He did not
live anywhere near for several years, until about a
year or so (not sure exactly how long) before
the time my step-dad died. He moved in with them,
when he came home. Talk about someone flipping
out! I was here all the time, and on good terms
with my family. So whose really crazy?????)

I need all of moms paperwork, bills, credit
cards, checkbook, and the return of Power of
Attorney.(now documented in writing!)
You cause your own problems. Sad.
You are sick, and I am not the same person
I used to be. I want to try.
(My entry: Yes, so he won't lose the house--his
only inheritance. Never mind about her care needs.
I would rather her be in a safe place.)

                         Piss off,
                             The only child,
                                      Tony
And for my response: (See Part 2)...
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