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That’s what my heart feels like. Have you ever seen a windshield when it’s been hit by a rock, and the glass shatters (but still holds together), forming the look of a spider web? That’s exactly how I feel. I’m shattered without a doubt, but still holding together. How, I’m not sure–other than by God’s grace. So much stress from Chelsea and my mom’s situation. My heart hurts, and I’m scared for my present physical condition. My blood sugars are always around 200 (normal is 120) and I know I’m a breath away from having to go on insulin shots. My blood pressure is up–my physical body is quite naturally reflecting my emotional life. I keep thinking something will let up somewhere, but instead it just keeps getting worse.

A quick update on the situation with my daughter, and then I’ll write another post soon on my mom.

The two issues that hurt me most–Chelsea inviting her mom to move in with her, and Chelsea going away to England to spend the holidays with her, are still very hurtful, and still issues. However, it turns out that Chelsea neglected to tell us that her mother has not even been here yet. It seems that something was wrong with her visa, and though she made it to Atlanta, from there they sent her back to England. She then called and invited Chelsea to spend the whole month of December (her birthday and Christmas) in England (paid for by Chelsea’s grandmother.)

As I wrote to Chelsea, it wasn’t even the going to England for the holidays that was so hurtful, but finding it plastered all over her MySpace without even letting us know first. (That still hurts.) Also, inviting her mom to move in with her will always be over the top to me, given our close proximity, and just the awkwardness of the whole situation. I was stupid enough to think that Chelsea might have some regard for our feelings, and a little consideration. I was wrong.  It could have (and should have) been handled differently.

So we are at a standstill presently. Rob is having lunch with her tomorrow, and I am staying out of it. I really mean it when I say, that my health cannot take anymore. We have exchanged somewhat heated letters, though she always professes her undying love to me. But I am so over it all–so ready to take a break from all the unnecessary drama that surrounds Chelsea’s life at every level. It has been this way forever.

So as it stands now, since her mom can’t get into the country at the moment, to come and live with her, Chelsea will be spending the month of December in England. Apparently, one of her part-time jobs is closing the business for the whole month, and that makes it even more convenient for Chelsea to go (though I am sure that she would have quit her job anyway, without a backward glance) in order to go to England. So, that’s that. And it’s okay with me. Really.

After this Christmas, I told her I really don’t care WHERE she spends her Christmases, as once my mom is no longer alive (though I hope she’s alive a long time) I probably will no longer have this family-gathering type of Christmas that we have had for years. It is exhausting, but it means a lot to my mom–the biggest kid of all. It also meant a lot to Chelsea. So every year, I knocked myself out, trying to make it nice for everyone. But when my mom’s gone, I just want a peaceful Christmas…whatever that might be…

Seems like all life’s about lately is having to say good-bye in one way or another…

Please see other articles that I have written here:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/109497/lonnette_harrell.html

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