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Today I had a counseling appointment, and I was very glad that I did. I wanted to talk over some of my feelings about Chelsea and her mom reuniting. I told my counselor the story, read her some of the email, and tried to be honest about my conflicted feelings.

She understood totally why I felt the way I did, and said that I had nothing to be insecure about. If Chelsea’s mom had been mother material, she wouldn’t have had to give her up all those years ago. (Though I will always believe that the choice of adoption is a courageous one.) We talked about how all her childhood memories are with us, and that no one could step into the picture at this point, and be able to recreate that. We discussed how she had planned on living close by, and my counselor, who also knows Chelsea said that we will have to wait and see how this turns out. We know that it will be healing for Chelsea, as to any feelings of rejection she may have, and we know that this is an exciting “fantasy” time for her. I am quite sure that there will be a honeymoon period, and that is good. There should be.

The counselor and I talked about how it seems that God is in this, and He has a purpose, and it will be interesting to see it play out. She laughed, and agreed, when I told her that my thinking is that I will be here waiting, when the dust settles, and the shiny fades, and the new wears off.

Today we got an email from her mom, saying that she intended to go to Miami first, where she previously lived, and retrieve her “designer wardrobe.” It seemed an odd thing to say, and worrisome, from the point of view that Chelsea is so materialistic  already (through no teaching of ours), and I hate to see her mom encourage that side of her personality, as her mom mentioned in an earlier phone call having designer handbags and clothes in storage. When Chelsea heard about it, she quickly shouted, “Well, she can bring them to me.” (That most likely will happen.)

I so wish she would just spend time with Chelsea, and not try to win her affection through material things. (I’m praying that she will not.) Chelsea is the original “material girl”, and she sure didn’t get it from me, as my favorite stores are thrift stores. LOL! Today was the first time that I’ve been in the mall in months, and I was doing some clothes shopping for my mom, not myself.

Actually, I bought a new feather pillow, and some shoes that were on sale. It was a fun day of wandering aimlessly there, and of having lunch, and just being alone with my thoughts. And in the midst of it, the strangest thing happened.

I was having a late lunch in the food court, and when I sat down to eat,  it turned out that my table faced the carousel directly. It took me back to the first time that Chelsea came to visit us. She rode the carousel, and I remember holding her on the horse, like other moms were doing today. I also remembered all the years that passed, as she rode her favorite horse, Arabella (yes, I still remember the name), and I would stand on the sidelines, waving each time she came around into view.

I thought about how long ago that first ride had been…16 years. But in some ways, it seemed like just yesterday, and it was a strange feeling, of wondering where the time went, and to some degree feeling a little sad.

I reflected on the night that her mom placed her in my arms, and as we headed home from Pensacola, she turned 3 years old, right there in my arms. (And now, I have to place her back in her birth mom’s arms.) And so the circle of life continues, just like the carousel…

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  1. LONNIE, i Read with such interest your days of journey,This sounds so similar to austy and the other kids stories, dont ever forget the words of inspiration you gave me !!!!!! Sure the kids are being bought the world now, BUT there will be nothing in this world that will replace the LOVE and SECURITY we brought into their lives. They will be back with open arms. I so understand your feelings, and am with you, and beside you . But please remember our children will always remember who really raised them, and loved them, NOT bought them . Stay there with your arms wide open . I know you were, are, and always will be a wonderful Mother . And you are so right, the honeymoodnwill fade without love , security and hope !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep your faith Lonnie .

  2. ((((((((((((Sandy))))))))))))) Thanks so much for being there! I miss you. You are the only one that I still correspond with, from the grief board, except for Linda, but she has been taking a break lately, because I think the second year without Owen really hit full force. I miss her so very much also.

    How are things with you? I know you miss Austy, but I’m so glad that you had some wonderful time together. (Just not long enough, I know.) Was he well? Happy? I know he missed you and your husband, more than words can express. He will never, ever forget all the love and security that you brought into his life. You gave him a stable foundation that will guide him always. I love you lady! Lonnette

    • Jessica H. Underwood
    • Posted September 4, 2008 at 12:59 pm
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    • Reply

    wow, well as you know this is also an article close to my heart….I met with my birthfathers family and yes the shinny will wear off, Maybe not so soon but in time and she will come back to you for the comfort and solice that she remembers from you and only you. This is defiantley a fantasy moment for her and her biological mother, but as well as a time for self exploration and curioustiy as to where the little things she knows about herself and cant find the answers to from her adopted family!I hope that in the end the let down from the high of it all is not a complete and total crash…as the higher the build up the further the fall…there will be many things (in my case i found)that will be said and spoken just to make things look better in chelseas eyes, but i promise you will be the one she will come back to good or bad…but all you can do at the moment is let her try to find what she feels she is looking for. Your a strong woman and I know it may not seem like it but you will make a little wiser and stronger!

  3. Jessica: I agree. I know that this is a necessary time of healing for both Chelsea and her birth mom. I can handle it, and am excited (in many ways) for her also. Thanks so much for your insightful comments. Hugs-Lonnette

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