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This poem will sound like I’m worse off than I am. Actually I wrote this some time ago when I must have felt as equally sad. I take heart in the fact that I can’t remember now what had me feeling that low.

Actually, I went out to dinner tonight with my husband, and we are going to spend the rest of the evening in our new matching cozy chairs, reading and enjoying hot chocolate, while scented candles burn and the fireplace flickers. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? 🙂

But I am adding this poem to let you know that I have felt this way this past week, and apparently long before. The kind of attacks I’ve been through for a solid week, without intervention from the one man (the owner of the site) who could have stopped it all, can leave you feeling depleted and disillusioned. But I will never be sorry for the ministry I had to hurting people there, nor will I forget the healing I received as well.

Last night I went back to the site where all the drama and cruelty occurred, (to retrieve some poems I had written, but not copied) and saw that I have quickly been replaced. But somehow I know from the sweet notes you’ve written me, that we will not soon forget the time we shared our hearts, our struggles, and our grief. After I retrieved my poems, I deleted my account, and I am hoping that today really will be the end of all the cruelty, and bad memories. I will hold onto the memory of the love those of us who were grieving had for each other, and the encouragement we gave one another, and the prayers we prayed. Although we were all hurting, we found time to reach out to each other, and our burdens were lifted, if only for a little while. But the friendships are lasting, and I will hold each one of you in my heart forever.

Please pray for my physical and emotional healing, as I try to recover from this horrible experience.

This will give you some idea of the sorrow:

                   Tonight

Tonight I’ve had enough.
I’m tired of being brave.
I struggle to breathe,
Because life has made me weary.
It didn’t just happen today…
It’s been a gradual decline.
Too long without a teardrop-
So tonight I’m crying.
Tonight I feel alone.
Broken in heart and spirit.
Searching for the scattered pieces-
To glue them back together.
And I have lost the will to care
Where I misplaced my laughter,
In a closet of lost longing-
So tonight I’m crying.
Tonight I’ve given up-
At least for today.
Tomorrow can decide itself
If a day’s worth waking up to.
My whole soul aches,
And deep inside the darkness
I am full of searing sadness.
So tonight I’m crying.

Tonight I’m disillusioned
At all that life is not.
Tired of chasing rainbows
And running into whirlwinds.
Angry at all that I have lost
That cannot be regained.
A silent scream within me roars-
So tonight I’m crying.

Tonight my heart’s encased in ice,
Yet somehow, slowly melting
And my eyes stare into nothingness,
But my feet keep moving.
And everyday no one sees
That the mirror has cracked,
And the glass has shattered-
So tonight I’m crying.

Tonight there’s nothing left
Of a soul that cries for justice,
In a world that will not listen
When the way is just too rough.
Trampled on the roadway
Of superficial living-
People rush right by me,
So tonight I’m crying.

Can anyone hear me?
                                              Lonnette   (Lonnie)

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