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Whenever there is controversy, it is always interesting to see who supports you, and comes to your defense. Often the ones that you thought would stand up for you, don’t. And the ones you never expected would, do. It’s an eyeopener for sure.

I have to say that I am going through one of those times in life when I am just plain weary. Weary of cruel people, weary of fighting, weary of people who hurt others for no reason. Just weary.

I am emotionally very, very low, watching my mom go through her physical and mental decline. I’ve never really had much chance to grieve the loss of both of my fathers.  (My birth dad, and my step-dad since I was 7 years old, died close in time to each other.) I had a lot more contact with my step-dad, (day in and day out), and he gave me away at my second wedding, though my bio dad attended. I miss him so much. He always had answers for things that needed fixing, and there are surely so many things that need fixing now. My whole life feels broken in two.

I have had to hit the floor running, without a break, through his long, heartbreaking illness in the hospital (from complications of triple bypass) and my mom’s declining state. There are days that I feel that I have forgotten to breathe. And others that I breathe too fast. My heart hurts, both from the challenges I am facing, and from the mean remarks that I have received in the past few days from people that I cared about.

That brings us back to friends. It seems that as women, we so often hurt each other. Men are rarely as vicious. Women compete with each other, are jealous of each other, and are sometimes just plain mean to each other. If we dissolved our marriages over the things we dissolve our friendships over, no one would be married for long. At least in a marriage, we learn to try and work things out, and continue on.

But there are times in other relationships that it just isn’t possible. Too much has been said, too many painful things have occurred, and we cannot continue.

I remember a friend I had many years ago. I loved everything about her! I loved the way she decorated her home, and how she brought out in me all the femininity that was longing for expression. I found myself, through her unique style. I used to say, “….that is so you.” And she would answer, “No-it is so you.” (And it was.) I developed my own unique style. I found myself also in the pages of the older Victoria magazine. Lace thrown here and there, roses, candles, teapots and teacups,  and lots of girly things. Bless his heart, my husband has tolerated it well. (He finds it sexy.) LOL!

But one day something happened to our friendship. It’s funny, it happened on a trip with another woman. Have you ever noticed with little girls that when there are three, they tend to end up two against one? It happened with us, and it led to another hurtful confrontation through our church, and she was involved in an outright betrayal (lies) that nearly destroyed me. I did not want to have another close female friend after that for a long time, because it was just so painful. Devastatingly painful. After the sordid scene, I remember lying in bed for days, and crying and not being able to sleep. I was not as strong then as I am now. I had not yet experienced life at its cruelest, though few things have ever hurt me as badly as that whole scenario. (Because I was partaking of His sufferings, I also felt the strong presence of my Lord, as I do now.)

Try as I would, things could never be mended. In a way, I didn’t want to lose her. I was longing for the friendship that we once had, but realizing that it could never be again. (Too many hurtful words, too many hurtful actions.) Being a Christian, I knew that I would have to find a way to forgive. And I eventually did. But it didn’t happen overnight. I hurt for a long, long time.

 I try now to focus on the good things that she brought into my life, instead of the ending of our relationship. That is what I will try to do now with the ugly situation I find myself in. I do not regret my role as Moderator in this grief group, and for two years, I pray that I showed compassion and love to grieving people who desperately needed, (as Dr. Phil says), “a soft place to fall.” Because of the hurt that has occurred, (and the attacks that are still going on), that season in my life has ended. I simply cannot continue. I have had at least one there accuse me of  just quitting. Perhaps so, but I cannot be a part of something that has a wrong spirit. How could I ever feel the same in my position there again? My life is so complicated right now with my mom’s condition, my daughter, and my own very bad health, that I think I would be hurting myself, and contributing further to the stress in my life (which is already overwhelming). I simply cannot go on there. Like the friendship I just recounted, there are some painful situations that cannot be mended, and I feel this is one of them. In time, I will be able to forgive completely, because I don’t want to become as sick and angry as my attackers. I wish them the best. Forgiveness, like most things in life, is a process. Forgiveness is not simply sweeping something under the rug, as if it never happened. First you have to identify the hurt, acknowledge that it hurt terribly, and then day by day try to come to terms with it, until finally you can release it. It is definitely a process, not an overnight occurrence.

I pray that I am getting stronger. My heart has hurt (a continuous ache) for several days, and I have cried a few tears, and have been nauseated, but I have not given in to complete depression. I feel that I followed my heart, which was to help someone, spoke up when I saw her cruelly mistreated, and stood up to the attacks that soon followed against me. I will no longer try to defend myself. (There are none so blind as those who will not see.) Nothing else I can say to them would make a difference at this point. I did answer their hurtful accusations, because this time I was strong enough to stand up for myself. I don’t regret that part. It felt right, honest, and Godly.

I will process my hurt here, in my blog. A place where I can pour out my heart, never knowing who is or is not reading my thoughts. That part is insignificant to a degree. The important thing is to get the thoughts out. That is how I will heal. We all need to be understood, or heard in some way. As a writer, I cannot hold my feelings in. This is the healthy way for me to process grief. Write it out.

If anyone is hurting, I will be here for you. I understand, and I will never be cruel to you, and that makes us comrades on this painful journey of life…

While this is typically a song for a couple, I think it captures true friendship as well. If only we all had such a dedicated friend.

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2 Comments

  1. Dear Friend, Dear Lonnette,

    I know you may not want to log on to the board where you were moderator for the last two years, but I would surely like it, if you would. I responded on my original “Owen” post there, as well as a short blurb on the post-at-hand in the controversy.

    I cherish your friendship, and think losing you as a moderator is a loss for “wh”. I hope you find your way through this new loss. I know how strong you are, and how tired you’ve become with your recent day-to-day responsibilities. Perhaps this an open door to new venues, and the loss will feel more like a gain. I can’t know. Only you can.

    Please keep me posted. I don’t want to lose you as “my” moderator. Your writing helps keep me level-headed when I’m heading into the dark pit of grief. I go there anyway, as that is the way of grief, but I always know you’re out there, waiting to send me words of hope.

    God has blessed me with your friendship – and countless others. I hope they are able to share their thanksgiving with you.

    Love,
    Linda

  2. Lonnie ,SENT YOU A PERSON ON WH DIDNT KNOW IF YOU STILL CK THOSE OR NOT PLEASE DO , THEN IL GET YOUR PERSONAL SO I DONT HAVE TO WRITE THERE OR HERE. LOVE YA LADY, YOUR FRIEND FOREVER,


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