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There is a Dicken’s novel, “A Tale of Two Cities” that begins with this line, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” I guess you could say that’s what my life is like right now, except leave out the best of times part. It is certainly one of the worst. Maybe it’s the season, and the fact that everyone is so happy (or appears to be), and I am depressed. I have felt like this for awhile now, and I can’t seem to shake it. I guess it has to do with a lot of things making me feel overwhelmed.

The care of my mom is certainly exhausting, though I love her dearly (and have had great patience with her moods.) But God only knows the toll it has taken on me. I feel like I have no life of my own, and if I do, I have certainly lost it somewhere, in all the craziness that swirls around me.

Then there’s my almost 19 year old daughter, who never met a rule she couldn’t break. I am sure she must have come out of the womb, thumbing her nose at authority, but I wasn’t there. Shocked? I adopted her at 3 years old. She came potty trained and strong-willed, and grew more strong-willed with every passing year. There is no one who came tame her, though several of us have died trying. LOL! But it is heartbreaking to watch her self-destruct. However, if I am going to survive, I have to detach to some degree, or I will not make it. My heart is in much too fragile of a state at the moment.

Then there’s my wonderful (truly), workaholic husband. He’s an attorney who fixes other people’s lives. Just wish he could fix ours. (Maybe I’ll make an appointment…) smile 🙂

So some days are hardly worth getting up for, (I also have quite a few health problems), and some days I don’t. Others, I seem to be like a Phoenix, rising out of the ashes of my own spontaneous combustion. Boy have there been a LOT of ashes, and how many times can I make a comeback, anyway?

It reminds me of a powerful song from 1967-“What’s It All About, Alfie?” (Have you ever wondered?) It says, “Is it just for the moment we live?” If it was just for the moment, would you live differently?

What if it was for eternity-would that make a difference? I believe it is for eternity, but I pray that on the other side, it will be different. I have often thought that I do not belong in this world. I am far too sensitive, and contemplative. I can never let things be. I always have to find reasons, and ask questions. I pray that someday I will find the answers to what it’s all about…


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