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Being lonely is not the same as being alone. Being alone is something I have always enjoyed. A time to reflect, to get in touch with my feelings, to do things that I like to do, and a chance to be me. I am energized by my time alone. I think deeply about things, and I detest the superficial. I’ve never really fit in with most women, because I don’t like to talk small talk. I like to talk about the things in life that really count. Of course, that would be different things to different people, I guess.

And yet, I have often been lonely in the company of others. It is not the presence of bodies that chases loneliness, but the presence of understanding. Just finding even one person who “gets” what you’re feeling is a true blessing. Some never find that in a lifetime of relationships.

In many ways, I feel that perhaps I am too sensitive for this world. I feel things much too deeply, and I ache inside, when I can’t understand how people can be so cruel to each other. 

I feel like there are many thoughts, talents, longings, and desires untapped within me. But time is moving on, and I have yet to fulfil many of them. One that I am beginning to enjoy is my writing. From the time I was a little girl, I have loved to put words on paper. I enjoy writing poems and articles, and also Bible teachings. I am most satisfied when I am writing, and then teaching or discussing the things I have researched. There is so much to learn, and sometimes I lose sleep rather than stop my research. I want to know so many things.

Since my dad died a little over 2 years ago, I have been taking care of my elderly, ailing mom. She has become my life’s focus. At times I am honored to be there for her, and at other times I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all. She still lives independently, but is an insulin dependent diabetic, who goes low unexpectedly, and has many other health problems. At first, I thought it was my responsibility to keep her alive, and I could not rest at night for worrying so much. But I finally realized that only God can keep her alive. And I can be God’s helper, but I can’t be God. It’s a truth that I learned in my counseling sessions, and one that has set me free, to an extent.

I am at an age where I am trying desperately to find myself. In fact, it’s my 55th birthday today (actually yesterday now, November 19th), and I pray the beginning of a happier phase of life.

I will share a little more of my life as time goes on. It has been very difficult in many ways. But I believe that it is up to me to make my life better. None of us know how long we have on this earth, and we are not promised tomorrow. It is a revelation that is often learned through the unexpected loss of someone dear.

So I will start today with a new outlook. I will learn from the past, and hopefully, not repeat its mistakes. I will be thankful for who I am, where I live, and who I love. And I will try to find my place in this world.

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2 Comments

  1. Hi,

    My name is Michael, and I am a 16-year-old student living in Hong Kong. I found this piece of writing to be quite intriguing and close to me personally.

    I’ve always thought that my classmates and my friends and family are the people that have brought me happiness, yet on some occasions, they have brought me just the opposite. I’m considerably young, and I really hope I can learn to be happy while being alone because I really believe that it can be something I can master and it would be beneficial to me.

    Thanks for writing that, it was wonderful.

  2. Michael: You sound very mature for your age. It is good to have friends and family for support and fellowship. We need each other. But it is also good to be at peace and comfortable with yourself. It is possible to do both, and find enjoyment and meaning in life. Thank you so much for your comments. Lonnette


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