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If teardrops were diamonds

How wealthy I’d be.

If heartaches were dollars

I’d purchase the sea.

An ocean of sorrow

Is where I now dwell,

Still dreaming of heaven-

But living in hell.

So much betrayal

And poisoning words

No one is listening

I need to be heard.

If you want to judge me

Be careful, my friend

You may find yourself

Being judged in the end.

For you have not walked

The miles I have tread

And you have not felt

You were better off dead.

But your words are lethal

They cut and they kill.

Like a knife in your hand

They stab till I’m still.

And you are a murderer-

Making me bleed.

But not from my veins-

From my heart and my need.

I reach out for comfort

But you walk away

Leaving me lifeless-

I can’t make you stay.

And I find no solace

On this icy ground,

Just hatred and evil

No love to be found.

So shout out your words

And then walk away,

Wearing a smile

As you hurt and betray-

One who loves you

True and deep-

The one whose trust

You could not keep.

And tears will fall

Like freezing rain-

Tender drops of crystal pain.

As I watch you go…

Lonnette

Well, it’s just one more loss in a sea of losses, since I became estranged from my mother. This time it’s a cousin, who was like a brother to me. We were raised together for quite a few years. But he has condemned me with his bitter words, because he cannot see beyond the unyielding stance that he has taken. He cannot understand that I was close to dying, and still am, if this stress continues. Still, he keeps pushing me to do more, and I cannot. I have to save my own life now. That’s all the strength I have left. And I have nurtured my mother in the last 3 1/2 years more than she ever nurtured me in my entire life. I did all that I could, and I was rewarded with unkind words and hurt. It was never enough, and it would never be enough. People who judge are in peril of judgment themselves. You cannot fully know my pain, my struggles, or my sorrow. So do not judge me, for I can look my God in the face and say that I truly did the best I could. If He does not require more from me, how can you? You lost someone who truly loved you–someone who truly cared…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. Lonnette, what a heartfelt poem, i need for so many in my journey the last 2 years.My god girlfrien you have your hands full. Please, please try like h to keep your chin up.There are so many peopl in this world that need & love you, me being one! Sending great big hugh prayers , hugsm love , courage & strenght. LOVE YOU GIRLFRIEND!

  2. Hello there, Lonette,

    I haven’t visited here for a while. I’m sad to read of your estrangement from your mom, yet I know of the self-sustaining journey you must traverse. If you are not here, you can’t write. If you are not here, we will miss your convictions, your perspective.

    I have to ask – how is your husband, your daughter? I didn’t read back in time much on your blog, so I’m not sure you have all the support you need. You were such a strong support for me in the first few months after Owen died. I can only hope you have someone in your life that affords you the same solace that you so givingly afforded me.

    Peace, screaming, crying, laughter, and love to you,
    Linda

  3. PLEASE LET US KNOW YOUR OK, THINKING OF YOU ALWAYS LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE

  4. PLEASE LET US KNOW UR OK LOVE & HUGS SANDY

    • please write some more i missssssssssssssss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

  5. My dear Sparkle. It has been ages since I have tread near wordpress. I finally combined my blogs (2 here and 1 on live journal) to a new one here. I have to get it organized soon I think or why do it in the first place.

    Lonette, such pain in your poem. I do wish I could help you…..but when you write:

    And you have not felt
    You were better off dead.

    I can tell you I know just how much you hurt. I say that often these days, not for the reasons you have, but still I feel your pain.

    Please write if you wish–at my blog or email……you can pick up the email address by my pic on the front page.

    Dear heart, when will this all end for you?? Enough is enough on one person.

    My thoughts and my prayers–
    Frank
    formerly Within Crepusculum

    • SANDY SHANES MOM
    • Posted December 5, 2010 at 11:04 am
    • Permalink
    • Reply

    WHERE R YOU, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, MISSING YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE NOW! MINE IS JUST THE SAME LOVE YOU SANDYJENKINS1959@YAHOO.COM

  6. Sparkle write and tell me how you are!


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